The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
