I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
