Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
