i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
