I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
