His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
