YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
