some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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