We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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