the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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