she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize