my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I'm going to jail i love you
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
