Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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