I met the friendliest cop last night
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
