I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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