She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
