Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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