The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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