she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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