I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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