i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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