Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
