I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
