i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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