the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
