i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
My ATM looks so different sober.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
