Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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