she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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