I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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