I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
