i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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