I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
