i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
