When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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