I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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