Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
did i just pee glitter
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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