Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
