Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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