he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
