the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize