I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
