someone get that fucking seahorse.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
