I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
