Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
