she smelled like a LAN party
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
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