doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
