im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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