He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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