Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
