just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize