I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
