Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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