I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
we're chasing vodka with high fives
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
