Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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