and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
