Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
