I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
