Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
