did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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