I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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