So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
